The typical journey of a Love Addiction episode

The last couple days were rough. I was starting to obsess more and more which in turn made me irritable and frustrated. No matter what I tried, I was still struggling to stop the obsessive thoughts. To make it worse, I also felt the familiar guilt from not being present with my family.

By now I am able to recognize that this is the first step of a typical spiral into my addiction. I have been there thousands of times before and it always turns out the same way. I decided to write down where this road inevitably will lead so maybe just maybe, by reminding myself of the futility of it all, I can stop myself from slipping back down into that black hole. 

I should start by saying that the obsession is always there. It’s not always at its full potential but it is always there. Festering, pacing, gnawing at me, just begging to dominate my thoughts and force me to let it run wild. The selfish bastard always insists on being the star of the show. It doesn’t take long before it becomes too much for me to take and it will not be put off any longer. I stop fighting it and let it loose. It is at this point where I can think of nothing but how to get his attention. I scheme, devise plots and manipulate, anything I have to so I can get his attention. That high, my fix. Work, family and responsibilities are shoved aside. I feel a bit guilty and annoyed by this but that doesn’t change anything.  Right now nothing else matters. Nothing is more important than getting my drug. 

I am now in the throes of a full-fledged obsession. This should terrify me but I can’t concentrate on that feeling long enough to really comprehend just how horrified I really should be. I do understand one thing however. It is only going to grow more intense until that I finally take that first breath during the hit I am working so hard for.

My sole focus is hooking him. I am desperately searching for something, an idea, a fantasy, something impossible for him to turn down. Nothing is off limits. Finding another woman for a threesome, humiliating bdsm, pretty much whatever he wants. It doesn’t matter that the idea actually sickens me. I am so good at coming up with ideas which my damaged mind believes are every man’s fantasies. Outrageous ideas. Sick, sick ideas. Inconceivable depravity to a rational person. 

These ideas are almost always damaging to my self-worth but I don’t care. If there is even a remote possibility that I can use them to fascinate him, nothing is off limits.

The one thing I don’t think about for more than a second or two is what this is doing to what is left of my inner peace. My value as a person has become irrelevant. It crosses my mind how devastated I would feel if my sister or daughter did this kind of thing but when the horror and sadness starts to wash over me, I push those thoughts away. I can’t think about that now. I become auto-focused on the compulsion to find something, anything, that magic gem of seduction that will satisfy my drive to finally possess him. It is the only thing that matters and I will not stop until my mission is complete. 

My preparation is quite elaborate when I am setting up the perfect scenario. I obsess over the when, the where, and how. Everything must be perfect. I spend an embarrassing amount of time selecting just the right setting, clothes, purse, jewelry, etc. No detail is too unimportant because this time he will be hooked for good. The planning is incredibly time consuming but I don’t care. Everything else I need to do will simply have to wait.

Then finally it happens. My hard work has paid off and his attention is now focused on me and all I will give him! Elation overcomes my whole body. I think to myself how he must finally realize that we were made for each other. He now understands that he can’t live without me. After all, don’t I give him what no one else will?  No one would go to the lengths I do just to make him happy. Yes, this time he has no choice but to embrace how much he loves me and will be with me forever.  

Although while I cautiously allow these thoughts of hope to surface, deep down, I know it’s not true but I shush the voices and concentrate on sucking in his essence while I can, savoring the intoxicating potion that is him. I feel drunk and invincible. The synapses in my brain are electrified. The world is brighter. I smile freely. I listen to music without cringing. I am happy. 

Then, like a wave receding back into the ocean, he once again begins to separate himself from me. He stops reaching out. I receive only short, generic responses to my carefully scripted emails and texts. The despair creeps in. The experience of going from the dizzying high to the depths of despair, combined with the awareness that nothing is going to stop the anguish from pouring in is completely devastating. I try to brace myself for that horribly empty feeling but it still knocks me down every time. Despite knowing it is coming, I am sent reeling every time. I berate myself because when I started this, I knew damn well that the high always comes to an end and just as sure the sun will rise tomorrow, he will elude me once again.  

You would think after all this time, I would be better prepared to deal with the blow but I am never am. Nothing ever makes this part any easier.  All I can do is  watch as my whole world comes crashing down around me. Again. The sense of pain and desperation that originally fueled the cycle of addiction is nothing compared to the agony I feel now. Each and every time I go through it, I can’t imagine that it is could possibly ever feel more horrible than it does at that moment, but to my horror, it only gets worse with every new trip.

Then tears start. Uncontrollable sobbing. Crippling isolation. I wonder about what my actions say about what kind of person I must be. I think about how I ignored my family and all my obligations only to feel like this. What kind of person acts like this? What the hell is wrong with me? Who in their right mind goes to such great lengths for literally scraps of someone’s attention?  I am an attractive, self-sufficient woman. Why do I do this to myself?

It is during this peak of the pain, I swear I’ll never do this again. I’m going to stop. I am going to just break it off once and for all. I’ll start a new life. A life where I am cherished and treated like someone important. Someone with value. I swear I will never demean myself and be used at someone’s convenience again. But I know this isn’t true. 

Soon, I start to tell myself that maybe if I just persevere just a little bit longer, I will finally win him. I start reading quotes like “The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground” and “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” Quotes that while applicable to many of life’s struggles, I am pretty sure weren’t meant to inspire someone to continue ripping their soul into tiny pieces over and over again. I don’t see that though. I let them inspire me to keep going. With hard work and determination, one day I will be rewarded with his love…

Advertisements

A Small Victory 

I can’t believe I am on Day 8 of no contact! There was a time when I thought I could never do that. But I can and I did although I ALMOST slipped. 

 

I have been sick the last couple days probably because I am run down and haven’t been exercising or eating well like I normally do. Yesterday, I went back to work after being home sick for two days. I still didn’t feel well and had a lot to catch up on so I definitely was not at my strongest.

 

Because I was sick, I also haven’t been able to go to any SLAA meetings or talk to a therapist so it’s no surprise that my addiction started whispering to me that I needed to get that fix. Just a little something to dull the pain for a while. It didn’t take long for my thoughts to spiral into a dangerous place. Soon I just HAD to make sure he knew I was the one person in the world who would never abandon him. No matter what. Maybe then he would realize how important I am and realize he made a big mistake ending this. Yes. I had to tell him that. Now.

 

I went over in my head the perfect text to send. One that would reassure him that I would always be there. I had it all planned out. I decided I would wait until later that night so I knew he would be home and able to respond without distractions. 


All I can say is thank God I waited. As the night progressed, something made me start thinking about some of the really loathsome things I have done for this man. I would participate in pretty hard core bdsm where I often had bruises (that I wore as badges of honor), I would search tirelessly for other submissive women for him and arrange threesomes just to name a few. As I am writing this, I feel so much shame. How did I fall so far? Not only did he easily convince me to do these things, I actually believed that it was what I wanted. After a while, he didn’t even need to tell me what to do, I became an expert at coming up with new and exciting degrading acts all on my own.

 

I don’t mean to put down people who engage in polyamory or Dominance/submissive relationships. Everyone should feel free to express their sexuality in a way that suits them but it is only now with some distance, that I am starting to realize I don’t want to live my life that way. I felt used, humiliated and degraded. I don’t want to watch the man I love have sex with someone else and pretend to enjoy it. I willingly did that and much worse the whole time telling myself that I was so much more sexually “evolved” than other people. They  were just repressed and boring. It’s crazy the things I could talk myself into. As long as they got his attention even if it was only for a night, nothing  was off limits.

 

Deep inside it never felt right but I am obviously an expert at denial. A couple of days ago, I started a list of all the times I felt used and degraded. Sadly, this list is long. Something made me look at it last night. It was horrifying to see how many times I pushed aside my feelings and preferences. There was something about seeing it in black and white that just broke my heart.


I’m not sure if reading the list was the only reason but in the end, I decided not to send the text. I don’t want more experiences like those on my future lists. I need to learn that I am worth a man loving just me. I don’t have to share and disrespect myself for someone to love me. I deserve more than that. Logically I know this but deep inside I still don’t feel it.

 

As I write this, I feel a lot of things but there is a one new emotion amongst them all. Pride. I am proud of myself for stopping the urge to reach out to him. It is an urge I rarely paid attention to in the past. An urge that got me in the state I am today. But today I didn’t do it. Today I was able to hold back.

 

Each day I am in recovery, I see more and more how sick I really am. I know I have a long road ahead of me and I’m going to need a lot of therapy, support and SLAA meetings to beat this horrible monster but today, at this very moment in time, I think I can do it.


One day at a time.

 

Emotions and recovery 

Today is Day Four of my new no contact/no acting out way of life. I won’t lie, it has been rough. Yesterday I was so irritable and depressed which led me not to be present with my kids. Of all the consequences of my addiction, and there is a lot, this is the one I regret most. I have a lot to make amends to them for. I also have lots of guilt.

 

Along with the irritability and depression I have also been feeling a lot of anger towards my PoA. I understand it’s not all him. I encouraged it all. Doing whatever I needed to do to make him stay. He is really nothing more than the latest symptom in a life time of dysfunction and heartache caused by my addiction. He is sick too. I wouldn’t have been so attracted to him if he wasn’t. He is undoubtably one of the biggest love avoidant’s I have ever come in contact with and believe me, I’ve come in contact with a lot of them! I seem to have a finally tuned radar for finding emotionally  unavailable men. 


Once again, I am reminded how water seeks its own level… 


I realize that I picked these men because they were safe. They weren’t  going to push me for more intimacy because they couldn’t.They weren’t capable of that. What is maddening is that in my mind, I really believed that I wanted a close relationship these  men but if I sensed them actually coming too close, I would  lose some of my interest. 


Madness! Pure madness!

 

The unhealthy patterns with my latest PoA go back six years. The way my brain is wired to please him runs very deep. Since I decided that I needed to get healthy I have been trying to Act like that wiring never existed. I have been beating myself up because  my patterns of thing and acting haven’t changed immediately.  


I’m thinking it is not realistic to think that I am able to stop it cold turkey  so I have decided to try something new. In the past my pattern has been to do whatever I had to do to  keep him. I won’t go into details right now but I did some pretty morally reprehensible things and thanks to my sickness, was even able to make them seem ok in my head. I told myself I was just an open, evolved and adventurous person who wasn’t bogged down by society’s puritanism and BS like that. I was superb at deluding myself.

 

I have decided I will set the stopwatch on my phone for 15 minutes twice a day. During this time, I will be free to fantasize about how to get him back. Think about what I can say or do to make him change his mind and realize he loves me. I research online how to do all this to my heart’s content but when that timer beeps, I must stop. Immediately. After that, if I find my thoughts drifting back to this dysfunctional way of thinking, I am going to stop myself by either saying or thinking “STOP” or snapping the rubber band on my wrist.

 

I started this two days ago and it seems to be helping. Yesterday,  I didn’t even use my second 15 minute session. Despite being irritable and depressed I was pretty successful at not ruminating about him.


I am better today and even more committed to my recovery. I know I’m nowhere near out of the woods and there will be good days and bad on the roller coaster ride to recovery but my resolve is strong. I am finally heading in the right direction and I’ll fight to stay there.


Blindsided by Anger

Ugh… I had another slip last night. The last couple days I had started slipping back into my old habit of scheming how to get him back. I’ve spent years doing this. It usually eventually works but never for long and the quality of time is not good for me. He inevitably becomes distant and I end up feeling used and even worse about myself and the cycle of dysfunction takes another loop about the block.

By the early evening I had worked myself up into quite a state of anger. I hadn’t yet been through the anger stage this time around. Sad, depressed and in a state of denial yes, but not angry. I wrote a letter to him earlier that day that I didn’t plan to send expressing all the rage and anger I had towards him. I did this hoping it would help rid me of these feelings. Years upon years of stuffed anger, frustration and resentment that were corked deep within me came sprawling out across the screen. The hurt and frustration from years of  my emotional, physical, social, intellectual, and spiritual needs being unattended to. What I weak and ineffectual woman I had become. 

This was definitely not the right strategy. Instead of helping, it made me even more angry!  By early evening, I had become overwhelmed by all this pent up anger and negativity. I feared if I didn’t control it, I would lose my mind; have a nervous breakdown, or explode in a ball of fury. Before, I even knew what was happening, I was texting him telling him how angry I was. He said he was sorry I was feeling that way but he couldn’t help me right now. He said he is the one person who could not help me. This wasn’t giving me the hit I was craving but I did feel a little bit of relief. I also felt guilty, weak and annoyed with myself. Sigh. Drugs have nothing on the lure of the high of an interaction with a qualifier.

Idid notice one difference this time however. I realize that I can’t go back there. Nothing will ever change. He is not ever going to turn into an emotionally healthy person. I know he won’t because he thinks his behavior is simply how he is and he is just fine with that. His way to deal with his abandonment issues is to never get too close to someone. He has often said “People always leave”. He sets up his life so that is exactly what happens. This totally triggers the addict in me. I start thinking how I will be the one who never gives up on him even when he pushes me a way. I can rescue him from his life of dysfunction and we can live happily ever after. I won’t let him make me just another person who was in his life one day and out the next. If only I work harder to be what he needs, it will all be ok. Just writing this I see how sick it is.

I’ve been thinking a lot today about why I acted out. I realized I didn’t have a good plan to deal with this this specific emotion (anger) and because I didn’t, I ended up letting myself spiral into that dark place. I’m determined to learn from this slip and be better prepared the next time. I am not exactly sure how I am going to do this but I am hoping to put together a plan of action. I would love any suggestions people may have. I am on my way now to the noon SLAA meeting now.

My first slip up

After 5 days of holding it together, I had my first slip up. I sent him an email telling him how awesome and wise he is because he always knows just what needs to happen. I even said I would wait until he is ready for a relationship. It was kind of pathetic actually. No, scratch that. It was HORRIBLY pathetic!

Looking back now I can see how the urge to reach out to him was slowly building over the last couple of days. The funny thing is that I don’t really miss my PoA. Not like I have in the past. I suspect that missing him isn’t necessarily what caused the slip. What I think the real problem is that I want HIM to miss me! I want him to hurt and pine for me for a change. I want him to realize he made a horribly mistake and beg me to come back. I don’t want all the time I spent on him to be in vain. The fact that I could possibly be insignificant to him makes me utterly insane! It’s not fair! I’ve spent so much of my time, money and my soul on him. My logical brain knows I should cut my losses and move on but the horribly damaged addict part of me keeps saying if I keep trying, I can finally win him. Love addiction may be the most dishonest and manipulative beast I have ever know.

It is like having an angel on one shoulder telling me to stay strong and the devil on the other. Unfortunately, the devil usually wins most of these debates. 

 I am really trying to focus on recovery. I’ve been listening to you tube videos about love and sex addiction and reading others blogs which does help me feel less alone. When I do start to pine, I try to remember all the degradation and humiliation I suffered because of this disease. Sometimes that helps for a little while. 

 I’m just so desperate for relief. I know it took a lifetime to sink as low as I am now so it makes sense it will take a while to reprogram my brain but that is not much consolation when I need the pain to end now! 

 I think I am going to try some of the “stop thought” strategies. I put a rubber band on my wrist and when I start to think about him, I will allow the thoughts for 3 seconds and then I will snap it. 

 At this point, I will try just about anything.

Going back to SLAA meetings

I got back into town yesterday. I admit I was more than a little worried that I might backslide into my addiction now that I was back in familiar surroundings again. While there were a few triggers I experienced but I was able to hold it together for the most part. I think what saved me from falling into a state of despair was because of how distant my PoA had become before he actually ended it. I almost always had to contact him and we didn’t see much of each other. I also noticed a shift in myself. I was slowly chilling out and not obsessing as much. In this case, I think pulling the band-aid off slowly instead of ripping it was actually helpful. 


I decided I had to get back to SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) if I was finally going to beat this thing. I set my alarm so I could make the 6:30am meeting before work. I wasn’t really up for going but I did and I’m glad. It was all men except for one other woman who came in late which made me kind of nervous and doubt how helpful it would actually be.

I was pleasantly surprised. It was a large meeting so I didn’t feel like I had to share because I really wasn’t up for it. For the next hour and fifteen minutes I listened to stories of the pain of lives demolished and nearly destroyed by addiction. There was a lot of talk about dysfunctional childhood’s. It’s so sad how parents can fuck up their kids for a life time. I know I need to work on this myself both for me and my own kids.

After the meeting, the one other woman came up and introduced herself. She had shared part of her story during the meeting and I was able to empathize with her struggle. Even though I really needed to get to work, I found myself opening up to her and actually wanting to share. This is not my normal M.O. Usually, I share very little with anybody. I am and have always been a very secretive person preferring to hear others story rather than reveal my own. Not having anyone to bounce my craziness off of only fed my sickness. I know to heal I am going to have to learn to be transparent. I’m getting better at it but it is still far from something that comes naturally.

My main concern today is how I have been sliding back into that place where I start plotting how to get my PoA back. It is getting worse and it needs to stop. I’ve wasted over six years of my life saying to myself that If I just do this or don’t do that, we will live happily ever after but experience tells me my efforts have all been in vain.

This will never be a healthy relationship. Period.

Here comes the withdrawal

Today is Day 3 since my PoA (person of addiction) broke things off. 

The first day I was in still in a state of disbelief. Fortunately, I had the day off from work so the fact I was a virtual zombie didn’t cause too much harm. I wasn’t incredibly upset. It was more surreal if anything. When I felt myself starting to feel a negative emotion, I stopped myself. I committed myself to moving on this time. This was new because in the past my focus was always on how to get him back. I want this time to be different. I need to leave him behind. Things with us will never be healthy or what I need. I’m sure I could figure out a way to get a few more scraps of his attention but this would just be prolonging the inevitable agony. He isn’t healthy and I will never be heathy until I move on and work on myself. I let myself cry  and that helped.

Yesterday, Day two, was tough. I had to go out of town for the weekend. I was in fairly decent shape until about 1 hr before the plane landed. Then negativity started to creep in. I had to be on so I didn’t have much time to ruminate but I felt heavy and not very good about myself. When I was finally alone for an hour I wandered around aimlessly listening to video’s about sex and love addiction. It wasn’t helping much though. Not like it had the day before. The one saving grace was that I had lots of opportunity to be social. This was the only time the pain was alleviated. I now know how very powerful this tool is in my recovery and I will make a point to seek out people. Something that always doesn’t come all that naturally to me.

As for today? Day 3? I’m better. In fact, It’s my best day yet. The biggest challenge is that I  have found myself slipping into that mode of figuring out how to get him back. I know I can’t go there but the addiction is a tricky beast. This is the number one area where I must stay strong. It’s the one thing that will determine if I live a life of peace and happiness or abject pain.

It finally happened 

Well, it finally happened.  He told me it’s over. I met with my “qualifier” (to coin a SLAA term meaning my person of obsession) that I will call T last night for dinner and to exchange Christmas presents. I have been obsessed and involved with him in one dysfunctional way or another for the last 6 plus years. He has had some personal drama with his family in the last 3 or 4 months and as usual that caused him to push me away. Not that I was ever all that close to him to begin with but he has been even more distant than usual, even downright ignoring me sometimes. My story with him is a long and sordid one. One consisting mostly of intense pain, anguish, degradation, humiliation and financial devastation to name just a few soul crushing things. Despite all of that I never stopped wanting him which is sick. Just plain sick.

Last night he told me it’s over. It hurts. God how it hurts!  I have been dreading this day and have done every ridiculous thing you can imagine to prevent it but it happened anyway.

Yet, while it is incredibly painful, I also see a ray of hope. Not the usual ray of hope either. That one that that whispers to me that if I work harder, am prettier, more witty and wonderful that it will work out. No, this ray of hope is different. It is suggesting that now maybe I can finally change. That I can face and conquer my demons once and for all. This time I know what I need to do. Recently I’ve seen the sprouts of change beginning to grow. For first time I realize that there is nothing I can do to change him. It’s up to me to decide my fate not him. I have two choices. I can continue scheming, pining and banging my head against the wall trying to make him love me or I can walk away choosing myself, my life and my sanity.

I think I am ready to do the work to figure out why I thought I was unworthy of a real, honest and committed relationship with him or anyone else for that matter. Why I would be on cloud nine when I got even the tiniest scraps of his attention and the depths of despair when he went dark. Why the real me could never be enough for him. Why I felt like I had to suppress my own needs to please someone else and if I didn’t I wouldn’t be worth their time. It’s very sad how long I lived like that.

A couple of months ago, I started researching Sex and love addicts anonymous and even went to a few meetings. I started to notice  a shift. Nothing that came even close to making me strong enough to leave T but definitely a little bit healthier. I had even been relieved when we had to reschedule seeing each other. Once because he was sick and the other time because I was on call and didn’t want that to interrupt our time together.  You see, in the past I would have moved heaven and earth to not have to reschedule him but this time I wanted to and felt mostly relief when I did. I could tell things were beginning to change in me. Maybe because of the meetings and reading I’ve been doing on the subject or maybe because deep down I knew I needed to get healthy. Otherwise I was going to die a slow painful death.

So last night when I walked into the restaurant, he was already was sitting in a booth. He got up to greet me. He would have just hugged me if I hadn’t pushed to kiss him. It was just a quick peck on the lips but it was a kiss none the less.

As I sat down, he immediately said that we needed to have a conversation. He said this has to end. At first I thought he meant the BDSM part of our relationship but he went on to clarify that my options were that we could be either friends or nothing. I didn’t expect this. I’m not sure why I didn’t expect it but I didn’t.  I asked if there was someone else. He said he had been dating like he always does but not as much as he usually did but that wasn’t why he was doing this. He simply said he just didn’t want this with me right now. 

I was in a daze for the next god knows how many minutes. I’m not sure how long I said nothing but I remember thinking I needed to say something. 

At first, I said maybe this was ok and that I probably should work on my own intimacy issues. We agreed that one reason why our “relationship” lasted so long was likely because we both had intimacy issues. He said because our interactions had always been very compartmentalized that maybe this is why is was easy to for him to disassociate. If I only I could have done the same. No such luck…

At one point, I cried. I was thinking about my apartment, the one I spent thousands and thousands on so I would have a place to be with him and all the memories we had there. I became overwhelmed by the pain of this being over. I don’t even necessarily think what had happened at that apartment were good memories. In fact, some of them were downright traumatizing but they were life altering and profound and that made me sad.

Afterwards, he walked me to my car. I put my purse and the present gave me ( a beautiful blown glass vase) in the front passenger’s seat and turned around to embrace him. We hugged. I pulled him as close as I could hope to make him realize he made a mistake but he let go and walked away. So I stood there not moving. I remembered how the last time he broke up with me three years ago how I had run back to his car after we said goodbye and we ended up in the back seat of his car. The consequence of that was three more years of pain and anguish and ignoring my many demons. I didn’t chase him this time. I almost did but something stopped me. Maybe that sliver of emotional health I discovered stopped me. I don’t know. I just knew things had to change. Something I would not accept the last time this happened.

I drove away on auto pilot.  After  about 10 minutes, I broke down and called him begging to be with him just one last time. He told me he had thought about that but didn’t think it would be helpful. I started to plead my case but before he could say a final no, I asked him if we could revisit the idea in a month. To this he readily agreed probably relieved to get me off his back for a while. I said I would call him on Feb 15. I know today was January 14th but didn’t want to discuss that on that horrible holiday know as Valentine’s Day.

I somehow drove home and got through the rest of the night in a daze. I went down to bed early and took 2 sleeping pills. I wanted to sleep, to stop this nightmare. Before they took effect I was remembering how he always says everything ends. This drives me fucking crazy! The thought of being just another relationship he ended is absolutely maddening! I felt desperate to make him realize that I was different and what we have will never end. I would always be there for him. I know this was my sickness speaking but I had to make him understand that I would wait no matter how long it took. When he was ready for me I would be waiting. I know this is sick and I don’t even believe it is necessarily true but I wanted him to believe it. At least  I hope it is not true… The urge to try to convince him that what we had is one of a kind quickly escalated and soon won out. I texted him.

Jan 14th, 2015 9:41PM – I have an overwhelming desire to sleep now. I will never get over you. I know and accept that. I’m even at peace with it. I’ll respect your wishes like I always do but I will never stop wanting you and if you ever want me again all you need to do is say the word. That’s not just for right now but forever. That fact will never end or change. Sorry but you are too much a part of the REAL me. A part that no one else will ever know. Goodbye for now…


How fucking sick and pathetic is that? 

I turned off the ringer on my phone and passed out. I didn’t want to know if he didn’t answer me. When I woke periodically through the night, the gravity of what happened would wash over me like a great wave of anxiety but I somehow held it together. At one point during the night I checked my  phone and saw that he had responded. 

Jan 15th 9:47PM – Goodbye for now my sweet friend

What did that mean? This gave me hope and I perked up. Bye for now? Was he saying he eventually wanted me back? Maybe I just had to let him deal with this phase of his life? No. I stopped myself from going there. I can’t go down that road again. I just can’t. I know that road just leads deeper into the eternal forest of a soul crushing life. The only way I can stop the madness is to take the path that with the required hard work, will save my life. There is only one road that leads out of this forest of doom I’ve lived in for so long. It won’t be easy but I have to do it. I must have faith that a beautiful life awaits me on the other side.

This morning I am still in great pain and I know I can’t avoid it. While its excruciating, there is a tiny part of me that is oddly peaceful. I have been given the opportunity to truly begin my recovery. I don’t think I would have had the strength to move on if he hadn’t ended it. I have arrived at yet another fork in the road. One path continues on to more pain. It involves manipulation and seduction. It involves strategic planning, scheming, using remote seduction and all those other destructive things that prevent me from living a life of peace and happiness. Sure, maybe on this road I could eventually get a few scraps of his attention if I pursued him relentlessly but I know all too well that the price for that is steep. Too steep. No, I can’t go down that road. For the first time since I met him, I am going to choose the other road. The one that will lead to my authentic self. That person I know I can be. That person I deserve to be.

So today I choose a different path  and will begin a whole new journey. I know there will be peaks and valleys and lots of scary nooks and crannies along the way but I think I’ll be ok. I pray to whatever powers may be for the strength to stay strong and firm on my journey. My life depends on it.

I am a Sex and Love Addict

I have decided to start a blog of my honest feelings. Not all the specifically tailored feelings I tell other people or the one’s I delude myself into believing. Nope, just the truth, the whole naked truth so help me God.

I’m not honest in many if any parts of my life. Sometimes it feels I have so many persona’s that I don’t even exist. Maybe I need a lie box like Anais Nin to keep it all straight? It’s exhausting but compartmentalized and lying to keep these compartments separate comes naturally to me. I’ve even been kind of proud of this in some ways. It made me feel like I was mentally tough. I though this was what I needed to do to be happy but instead it has brought me incredible  amounts of pain, anguish and despair.   
 
It is time to integrate all the compartments in my life and become one whole person. A person who loves herself and can participate in a healthy, mutual relationship. Something I’ve never known.
You see, I’m a sex and love
addict and I always have been. 

I want to change. I want to want a healthy, emotionally available man. God how I want that. There really are so many good decent men out there. I see them everyday. Why can’t I fall in love with someone like that? I’ll tell you why. It’s because it doesn’t feel natural to me. My fear of intimacy makes me run away as soon as someone becomes truly available. I don’t tolerate closeness. I never have.
I hope sharing my story can help someone struggling like I am. I hope that I can learn from others as well. I know talking honestly with others is critical to recovery.
I can do this. I have too. My life depends on it.