The last couple days were rough. I was starting to obsess more and more which in turn made me irritable and frustrated. No matter what I tried, I was still struggling to stop the obsessive thoughts. To make it worse, I also felt the familiar guilt from not being present with my family.
By now I am able to recognize that this is the first step of a typical spiral into my addiction. I have been there thousands of times before and it always turns out the same way. I decided to write down where this road inevitably will lead so maybe just maybe, by reminding myself of the futility of it all, I can stop myself from slipping back down into that black hole.
I should start by saying that the obsession is always there. It’s not always at its full potential but it is always there. Festering, pacing, gnawing at me, just begging to dominate my thoughts and force me to let it run wild. The selfish bastard always insists on being the star of the show. It doesn’t take long before it becomes too much for me to take and it will not be put off any longer. I stop fighting it and let it loose. It is at this point where I can think of nothing but how to get his attention. I scheme, devise plots and manipulate, anything I have to so I can get his attention. That high, my fix. Work, family and responsibilities are shoved aside. I feel a bit guilty and annoyed by this but that doesn’t change anything. Right now nothing else matters. Nothing is more important than getting my drug.
I am now in the throes of a full-fledged obsession. This should terrify me but I can’t concentrate on that feeling long enough to really comprehend just how horrified I really should be. I do understand one thing however. It is only going to grow more intense until that I finally take that first breath during the hit I am working so hard for.
My sole focus is hooking him. I am desperately searching for something, an idea, a fantasy, something impossible for him to turn down. Nothing is off limits. Finding another woman for a threesome, humiliating bdsm, pretty much whatever he wants. It doesn’t matter that the idea actually sickens me. I am so good at coming up with ideas which my damaged mind believes are every man’s fantasies. Outrageous ideas. Sick, sick ideas. Inconceivable depravity to a rational person.
These ideas are almost always damaging to my self-worth but I don’t care. If there is even a remote possibility that I can use them to fascinate him, nothing is off limits.
The one thing I don’t think about for more than a second or two is what this is doing to what is left of my inner peace. My value as a person has become irrelevant. It crosses my mind how devastated I would feel if my sister or daughter did this kind of thing but when the horror and sadness starts to wash over me, I push those thoughts away. I can’t think about that now. I become auto-focused on the compulsion to find something, anything, that magic gem of seduction that will satisfy my drive to finally possess him. It is the only thing that matters and I will not stop until my mission is complete.
My preparation is quite elaborate when I am setting up the perfect scenario. I obsess over the when, the where, and how. Everything must be perfect. I spend an embarrassing amount of time selecting just the right setting, clothes, purse, jewelry, etc. No detail is too unimportant because this time he will be hooked for good. The planning is incredibly time consuming but I don’t care. Everything else I need to do will simply have to wait.
Then finally it happens. My hard work has paid off and his attention is now focused on me and all I will give him! Elation overcomes my whole body. I think to myself how he must finally realize that we were made for each other. He now understands that he can’t live without me. After all, don’t I give him what no one else will? No one would go to the lengths I do just to make him happy. Yes, this time he has no choice but to embrace how much he loves me and will be with me forever.
Although while I cautiously allow these thoughts of hope to surface, deep down, I know it’s not true but I shush the voices and concentrate on sucking in his essence while I can, savoring the intoxicating potion that is him. I feel drunk and invincible. The synapses in my brain are electrified. The world is brighter. I smile freely. I listen to music without cringing. I am happy.
Then, like a wave receding back into the ocean, he once again begins to separate himself from me. He stops reaching out. I receive only short, generic responses to my carefully scripted emails and texts. The despair creeps in. The experience of going from the dizzying high to the depths of despair, combined with the awareness that nothing is going to stop the anguish from pouring in is completely devastating. I try to brace myself for that horribly empty feeling but it still knocks me down every time. Despite knowing it is coming, I am sent reeling every time. I berate myself because when I started this, I knew damn well that the high always comes to an end and just as sure the sun will rise tomorrow, he will elude me once again.
You would think after all this time, I would be better prepared to deal with the blow but I am never am. Nothing ever makes this part any easier. All I can do is watch as my whole world comes crashing down around me. Again. The sense of pain and desperation that originally fueled the cycle of addiction is nothing compared to the agony I feel now. Each and every time I go through it, I can’t imagine that it is could possibly ever feel more horrible than it does at that moment, but to my horror, it only gets worse with every new trip.
Then tears start. Uncontrollable sobbing. Crippling isolation. I wonder about what my actions say about what kind of person I must be. I think about how I ignored my family and all my obligations only to feel like this. What kind of person acts like this? What the hell is wrong with me? Who in their right mind goes to such great lengths for literally scraps of someone’s attention? I am an attractive, self-sufficient woman. Why do I do this to myself?
It is during this peak of the pain, I swear I’ll never do this again. I’m going to stop. I am going to just break it off once and for all. I’ll start a new life. A life where I am cherished and treated like someone important. Someone with value. I swear I will never demean myself and be used at someone’s convenience again. But I know this isn’t true.
Soon, I start to tell myself that maybe if I just persevere just a little bit longer, I will finally win him. I start reading quotes like “The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground” and “Fall seven times, stand up eight.” Quotes that while applicable to many of life’s struggles, I am pretty sure weren’t meant to inspire someone to continue ripping their soul into tiny pieces over and over again. I don’t see that though. I let them inspire me to keep going. With hard work and determination, one day I will be rewarded with his love…